Doof's (Evil) Phinbella Story
by bilaterus
Summary: Yes, you read that correctly. It is I, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, with a Phinbella story that will be the key to my Tri-State domination! Rated K plus for extremely evil content! ...I know you're curious. You WANNA read my story. Click it. Why are you still reading the description when you can just click it? C'mon, please? Click it. Cliiiiick it. [Co-written by Blythehasfreckles.]
1. Pride and Prejudice

**bilaterus: I wanted to write a fic, and the lovely Blythe suggested - from nowhere - a Phinbella story written by Doof. Now, admittedly, the idea took a couple of minutes to go from ludicrous to genius, but pretty soon we realised that the story writes itself!**

**Blythehasfreckles: bilaterus started out with an interesting idea for a Phinbella story, so we combined the two ideas and came up with something much better than we'd bargained for! We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it!**

**bilaterus: Now, anything in bold is our comments, anything in regular text is Doofenshmirtz's typed words and author's notes, and anything in italics makes up his actual fic. **

**Blythehasfreckles: We hope you like our story! :)**

Welcome, evil readers of the Tri-State Area! It is I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, with an evil story so dastardly that you will have no choice but to bend to my will as it plagues your minds with its evilness! If you aren't evil, you will tremble in fear at how evil this story will be. In fact, it would be better for you to look away now!

No wait, come back! I was kidding!

Anyway, you may be wondering, "Doof, why are you writing a story? That doesn't sound evil at all!" Well you see, after another encounter with my nemesis, Perry the Platypus, and another one of my Inators was completely ruined, I found that I had a sudden lack of ideas for evil schemes. So I decided to use my favourite source of inspiration: the internet!

By the way, you'd really be surprised what the search engine digs up when you type in "clever inator ideas." I got a bunch of site results for lawn mowers for some odd reason. In what way does an evil inator have anything to do with outdoor home improvement? I don't get it.

Back to the backstory!

After that I just typed in "Inators" and the web browser turned it into "imagination." I have no idea how the word "Inator" looks or sounds anything like "imagination," but it led me to this really interesting site called fan fiction dot net and soon enough I was hooked!

First, I began reading several fan fiction stories written about 'Pride and Prejudice' - love it! - when suddenly I stumbled across stories for this show called 'Phineas and Ferb' (which is strange, considering the two are under two totally opposite categories on the site). The show''s got three simultaneous storylines that interconnect. Genius, right? I was instantly captivated! I spent all of yesterday night reading stories people had written about it and it turns out there are a lot of people who write and read stories about this; hundreds of people - thousands, even! That's when I realised: if I wrote a really good story, I could gain enough popularity to take over the entire Tri-State Area!

I, er, can't tell my nemesis Perry the Platypus, or my daughter Vanessa, about this scheme though. What will they think? I don't want them judging me! If either of you two are reading about this, just, eh... there's absolutely nothing to see! Change the page and put it completely out of your mind! Actually, to be on the safe side, I had better make a brand new Inator as my scheme tomorrow (something I'd certainly remember building if I had already made one) to erase it from people's minds. Maybe a Forget About It-Inator, or an Amnesia-Inator, or maybe a Fanfic Forget-Inator!

Hmmm... since Perry the Platypus will probably thwart all of those, I'll just make sure that he and Vanessa don't accidentally read my story. I know, I'll put a password on it! I'll just type it in... there! They'd never guess my super-secret password!

Anyway, it turns out that the most popular kind of story are ones where two of the main characters, in particular one of the kids called Phineas and his neighbour Isabella, are 'shipped'. At first I thought, 'who has time to rent a boat, and where would you even ship them to? Besides, they're just characters in a story. It doesn't make sense!' But then I looked it up and realised that shipping is a term used to describe fan fictions that take previously created characters and put them in a relationship. Who knew?

So evil readers, that's how I'll be writing this story. I hope you think it's good, er, hang on, I don't want it to be a story about good. I hope you think it's bad! Yeah- wait, that's not right. Eh, it'll come to me. I'm going to start writing it now!

Okay, here we go...

_It was a nice sunny day when Phineas and Ferb were sitting in their backyard under a big tree, like they did every day in the summer. Their pet platypus, Jerry, was also with them and he was lying down next to them._

I don't know why these fan fictions mention them having a pet platypus. Of all creatures to own as a pet, why a platypus? Why not a capybara, or a shetland sheepdog, or maybe a reptile of some sort? Eh, but I guess 'Platypus' does have a ring to it, you know? Plus, it's original! How many people do YOU know have pet platypuses? ...Platypi? ...Platypeople? What's the proper plural version of platypus? Does anybody actually know?

Okay, okay back to the story...

"_So Ferb, what evil invention should we make today?" Phineas asked his brother. Actually, Ferb wasn't his real brother. Well, he was his brother, just not the blood-related type. You see, Phineas and Ferb were step-brothers, and they tried to do something evil every day. _

I told you it would be an evil story!

Ok readers, if you want to be picky, technically, if you think hard enough about it... the boys are not really evil. But it's my story and I want them to be evil, so that's what they'll be!

"_Oh, I know what we're going to do today!" the evil red-headed inventor continued. "Let's create a device which will make us invisible so we can do evil things... invisibly!"_

_Ferb gave him a thumbs up. Generally, Ferb didn't talk much. He was more of a man of action. Phineas was the one who did most of the talking. After the two of them decided what they would do every day, they could build anything. Together, they made a good evil team._

_At that point, the newly elected Emperor of the Tri-State Area, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, walked past the backyard._

Check it out, I added myself into the story! Cool, right? By putting myself in the story, I can interact with the characters! I'm a genius!

_Heinz Doofenshmirtz was not only an incredible handsome evil overlord, he was also brilliant and witty and all-powerful over the Tri-State Area. And he was also handsome._

"_How are my evil subjects doing today?" Doofenshmirtz said to the boys evilly._

"_Hello Emperor Doofenshmirtz," Phineas responded. "We're going to be building an evil device of invisibility so that we can scare people!"_

"_Oh my, that does sound evil!" Doofenshmirtz was impressed by the boys' evil ideas. "Keep it up and one day you can be like me! Stay evil!" With that, Doofenshmirtz walked off. Handsomely. _

_Phineas and Ferb then got to work on their Invisibility Device. Because they were so good at inventing, they had finished it in no time. It was a little disc-shaped device with a large green domed button on it, and pressing it activated the device and made the person holding it invisible. _

_Phineas activated it, and turned invisible. "Cool!" he said. His voice seemed to come from out of nowhere. "Just think of all the evil things we can do with this! I think Isabella's coming. I'll stay invisible and then spook her by deactivating the Invisibility Device when she least expects it!"_

_Ferb gave another thumbs up towards the invisible Phineas. Sure enough, Isabella then walked through the gate of the backyard. Isabella wore a pink dress and a pink bow in her hair, as she usually did. She was so cute, she was practically evil herself... but in a cute way._

"_Hey Ferb," she said. "Where's Phineas?"_

_Ferb shrugged._

"_Phineas isn't here, huh? Do you know where he is?"_

_Ferb shook his head.__That was a lie, though! Phineas was in fact standing there in the backyard, but was still invisible. _

"_Oh, okay. So did you watch the evil telethon last night?" Isabella asked. Ferb nodded. "It was really good. I learnt so much about how to incorporate evil in all the little things in life!" _

"_Emperor Doofenshmirtz really knows his evil," Ferb agreed. _

"_Yeah, he's so talented and powerful. I hope he stays our evil overlord forever!" said Isabella, delighted. "Surrendering our free will to him has been the best decision we've ever made!"_

"_Indeed," agreed Ferb. _

You know, I really like writing. It's a chance to escape into a world where I am supreme ruler, and there are no ex-wives or exploding Inators or agents thwarting my evil plans! It's quite therapeutic, actually.

_As Isabella talked, Phineas came sneaking up from behind the tree, gradually getting nearer to her until he was only steps away. He tried hard not to laugh maniacally in anticipation as he got closer. _

"_It's a shame Phineas isn't around to talk about the telethon with us," remarked Isabella unhappily. "You know, I come over here every day just to watch him and help him while he makes those wonderful evil inventions..."_

_Ferb blinked in acknowledgement as Isabella let out a dreamy sigh. Phineas snuck closer and closer, ready to leap at her and scare her out of her wits, when all of a sudden..._

"_Oh Ferb, if only Phineas knew how much I truly love him!"_

_Phineas was shocked. He wasn't expecting that! Did Isabella really just say she loved him?_

"_After all these years, you'd think he would know by now! But he doesn't even know I exist," said Isabella. Now she was feeling especially sad! That is, sad like when your father ignores you as his boy and replaces you with a puppy he won, but not sad like after you've been to the dentist and they tell you that you can't have any sweets for a week, and it's almost Halloween! _

I mean, really. What could be worse than that?

"_Maybe one day he'll understand how much he means to me. And maybe he'll even love me in return," she said a little hopefully. _

_It was then that the invisible red-head began to reflect on his time with Isabella, who was his friend from across the street. He thought about all the times she came over to help him with all of his evil plans, all the times he'd ask her for help and she did whatever it took for him, all the times she'd ask him to go places with her and he never understood that all she wanted was to be with him alone. Had he been ignoring Isabella's feelings for all these years? And how did he feel back?_

Wow, I'm getting the hang of this fan-fictioning thing, or whatever you call it! Look, I even asked some rhetorical questions! How do you like that?

Hah, that was another rhetorical question! I'm on a roll!

_The girl smiled and turned to leave the backyard. "Well I should go home now. Emperor Doofenshmirtz is airing his telecast at noon sharp and I wouldn't want to miss it! After all, he's so much better than any other Tri-State totalitarian we could've asked for!"_

_She waved goodbye to Ferb and said, "say hello to Phineas for me whenever he comes back!"_

_Ferb nodded and then she was gone, closing the gate behind her. As soon as she was gone, Phineas reappeared. He didn't know what to make of what he'd just found out. Now he was really confused about his feelings towards Isabella! Was she just his friend... or did he love her?_

_Suddenly, something occurred to him and he quickly scanned the yard._

"_Hey, where's Jerry?"_

Hah! You'll never know whether Phineas likes her back or where Jerry is without reading the next chapter. Now you have no choice but to read on!

Cliffhangers are really among the most evil things in stories. I was considering designing a Cliffhanger-Inator for this very purpose, but then I realized that I could simply write a cliffhanger instead!

This whole 'fanfictioning' thing is really starting to grow on me. Pretty soon, I'll be a professional novelist, and then I can be a full time evil scientist and ALSO have a more impressive title to present to the Department of Revenue Services. They might even learn how to say my name! Wouldn't that be something?

Anyway, I should wrap this up. Where did I put my Wrapped up in a Nice Little Bow-Inator? Eh, I'll find it in the morning.

So until next time...

Stay evil!

Now where's the upload button? This website is a little trickier to figure out than YouTube - so many complicated options and pages! Why can't there just be an option right under the writing space that says, "click here to upload your evil story"?

...Wait, wait, can people see this? If you can, ignore it!

...Why am I still writing what I'm saying?

Oh, THERE's the upload butt-


	2. Inatorize Me

**bilaterus: The story continues! If you're wondering how exactly this all fits into the actual universe and so on, we're working on it. For now relax and enjoy Doofenshmirtz's soothing style.  
**

**BlytheHasFreckles: So far, we're very pleased with the response our story has gotten! For those who reviewed chapter 1, author responses are at the bottom!**

**We hope you enjoy chapter 2!**

Ah, I love the smell of new evil chapters in the morning. Don't you?

Well, it doesn't actually smell of anything. I didn't mean 'smell' as in, literal smell, like, somehow through the computer screen I get a whiff of 'new chapter', whatever that is. It's a figure of speech. What would a new chapter smell of anyway? It's just typed up words on the screen!

Speaking of morning smells, I decided this morning to check out this new family-owned diner that just opened across the street. Now, normally I don't like to leave my building when I'm in the middle of my evil inventing, but I decided to be daring enough to try it out and I had the most amazing blueberry french toast! Ok, it wasn't evil, but out of all of the non-evil breakfasts I've had it was certainly the best one I've had in ages! Have you ever eaten something so delicious that you wish you could turn back time and eat it a second time? Well it was like that. In fact, if I was a cow, I would regurgitate it and eat it all over again. Cows actually do that, it's called 'chewing the cud'! I think I did it once, that time I turned myself into a werecow by mistake. It's actually quite satisfying.

I think I'll go back to that little diner for lunch. Today's special is deep-dish garden salad pizza. Mmm, garden salad pizza. Is it salad, or is it pizza? Nobody knows, but boy is it good!

Anyway, you all are here to read my evil update, so I should probably get back to the salad. Uh, I mean... story. Get back to the story. Salad.

I'm sure you're all in suspense from the cliffhanger in the last chapter. Actually, there were two cliffhangers. Which is a bit weird, now that I think about it. I mean, can you imagine hanging from two cliffs at the same time? It hurts my fingernails just thinking about it!

Are you ready for a spectacular cliffhanger resolution? Here it comes:

_After thinking about it, Phineas decided that he loved Isabella._

It's genius! I'll bet none of you evil readers saw THAT coming!

_"Hey Ferb, I've decided that I love Isabella," Phineas said. Ferb, who still didn't talk much, gave him a thumbs up in encouragement. "I can't just tell her that though. I need to do something big for her first! Oh, and it has to be romantic. Something big and romantic so I can tell her how I feel about her! Oh, and it has to be evil, of course, that goes without saying. Something big and romantic and evil."_

_As Phineas was saying that, Ferb produced and started unfolding a poster from his pocket. It was a poster advertising the Night of the Evil Retro Dancing Youngsters event._

Look! It's even more of my creative genius! If I make them go to an evil dance, it stages the evil romance! I don't think I've seen THAT done before!

_"Oh, great idea Ferb! I'll ask her to go with me to the Night of the Evil Retro Dancing Youngsters event!"_

I read that the characters in the show are based on ones in real life. That means there's a real version of Phineas and Isabella right here in the Tri-State Area! Then I could build a Love-Inator and zap them with it, to get them together in real life. No wait, that's ridiculous! What're the odds of randomly hitting one exact backyard out of all of the houses in the Tri-State Area? Even if I shot one ray every day for the whole summer, the chances of hitting them just once would be unbelievably low!

Besides, a Love-Inator is not even evil! Well, if it was an EVIL Love-Inator, that'd be a different story...

_Phineas decided to call her straight away. He took out his phone and dialled Isabella's number. "Hey Isabella, do you want to come to the Night of the Evil Retro Dancing Youngsters dance with me tonight?"_

_"Yes!" said Isabella, overly excited. She had been waiting for years for Phineas to ask her to a dance! Then she realised that she had better cover up her exclamation, as she thought Phineas was still really oblivious and she didn't realise he already knew about her massive crush. "Er, I mean, sure, I mean, I had other plans, evil plans, but if you insist, then, ok I guess..." she hung up the phone and squealed loudly to herself._

_Phineas and Isabella both sighed happily. They weren't in the same place of course, and they had hung up the phone so they didn't know the other was sighing, but they both sighed at the same time after their conversation. They both had the same thought, too (again, not in the same place, but at the same time after the conversation). The thought was:_

_Tonight will be perfect! What could go wrong?_

Ahah! A cliffhanger AND a rhetorical question! I'm so evil!

Ok, now I'll explain what happens to Jerry the Platypus. You'll see what happens at the dance later, evil readers!

_Jerry the Platypus was no ordinary platypus. He was actually a secret agent! He worked for the Organisation That Has a Cool Acronym - OTHCA for short - and every day he would disappear from the boys' backyard to go and fight his evil scientist nemesis, Dr. Colman Shoofdenmirtz, from the Heinous Alliance That Enjoys Deeds Of Nefarious Undertakings in Troublemaking, (or H.A.T.E.D.O.N.U.T for short)._

Now evil readers, usually when I read these fan fictions they're about the boy inventor and his girl neighbor from across the street. But occasionally they also write about what the brothers' pet platypus does every day. Apparently he's a secret agent and he fights with some pathetic evil scientist who dreams of taking over the Tri-State Area, but he never succeeds even though he tries every day. How pitiful is that? Look, even his name is so embarrassing! 'Colman Shoofdenmirtz'. Even aside from that humiliating last name, his first is the same as a famous brand of mustard. It must be so embarrassing for him to have a first name that's on the label of a famous condiment!

It all sounds pretty familiar though... but I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh well, on with the story.

_Jerry went to his secret agent briefing room where Major Duogram was waiting on the screen. "Your mission is to find out what Shoofdenmirtz is doing and put a stop to it," he commanded. Jerry saluted and rushed off to the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company, which was the place where Shoofdenmirtz carried out his evil schemes._

_Jerry burst into the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company and instantly stepped into a trap that had him tied in several layers of rope._

_Shoofdenmirtz laughed maniacally, "Looks like you're all tied up, Jerry the Platypus!"_

Get it? TIED up. It's a pun! Puns reek of evil.

_He did some more evil laughing and then began his monologue._

_"Now, let me tell you my latest scheme. You know how people always say 'good morning' when they see you in the morning? The mailman said it to me just today, and it got me thinking; why do we say that? What if you're not having a good morning? Then they're just reminding you of what a terrible day it's going to be! That's why I created the Eh-Ineetor! A single zap from the ray will cause a person to feel indifferent about their day, thus eliminating the need for anyone to say 'good morning' ever again!"_

_Shoofdenmirtz then turned his back on Jerry to activate the machine. Jerry reached down with his bill to untie the knot to his trap until it loosened enough for him wiggle through the tight grip. He then jumped up and punched Shoofdenmirtz who fell backwards onto the machine, hitting the "explode" button and blowing it up. The machine shot one ray before it exploded, but nobody noticed it. _

See? Shoofdenmirtz is such an amateur, he puts an "explode" button on his Ineetor! Why would any scientist put an "explode" button on any invention? It makes no sense!

And what kind of name for an evil device is 'Ineetor'?

Also I think I know why it all seems so familiar... it reminds me of Dr. Diminutive! I mean look, it's so obvious: he's an evil scientist, with an ironic name, who makes evil inventions, and his nemesis Agent Silent G goes to thwart him every day!

Of course, it's totally different. Dr. Diminutive and I are a part of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N, the evil scientist organisation, whereas this Colman Shoofdenmirtz guy works for H.A.T.E.D.O.N.U.T. And also, Agent Silent G works for the OWCA, whereas Jerry the Platypus is said to work for the OTHCA. Which is a pretty cool acronym, right? 'OTHCA' really rolls off the tongue.

Yup, not the same at all.

Okay, back to Phineas and Isabella!

_Everyone was having a glorious time at the Night of Evil Retro Dancing Youngsters ball. Kids were dancing a lot, doing hip new dance moves like getting down and dougie-ing and popping and locking and other youthful movements, flailing arms and legs and other such limbs to the groovy new beats of Emperor Doofenshmirtz's overlord playlist. They played classic songs such as:_

_"Doofenshmirtz Can Have All My Money"_

_"Inator-ize Me"_

_"I Surrender My Free Will"_

_"If You Raise Taxes, It's A-Ok"_

_and the Overlord's personal favorite, "Heinz Doofenshmirtz: So Much Better Than Roger Doofenshmirtz In Every Way (And Mom Loves Me More Too)"_

_The kids at the ball were all dressed in their parachute pants (or whatever kids normally wear) and were having a good time. Phineas kept an eye on Isabella as they got down to the totally "in" evil beatz and she looked like she was having a totally rad time. He just couldn't wait to ask her what she thought about the ball._

_Just then, Emperor Doofenshmirtz came through the crowd to say hello to the gyrating youngsters. _

More face time for me! After all, nothing screams "great fan fiction writing" more than an original character! Also, did you see me misspell 'beats' with a z? That was deliberate! It's pretty hip and cool right?

_"Are you enjoying this evil and youthful shindig?" he asked them all._

_"Yes, yes we are," they all responded simultaneously, "You're the best totalitarian ruler the world has ever seen! We wish we were as evil and completely full of genius like you."_

_"Wonderful," he said magnificently. He was an awesome example for a magnificent overlord because everyone loved him. He waved to everyone, and then he went away. Magnificently._

_Phineas and Isabella were slow-dancing now, to the tune of "Platypus Can't Put Me Down." All the couples around them were holding hands and moving romantically to the gentle beat. Phineas knew that now was the best time to ask the question._

_"So, Isabella..." he started. He was a little nervous as he asked. "What did you think of today? Was it particularly romantic and special?"_

_It was then that, although they didn't know what happened, Isabella was hit by the ray that was fired by the Eh-Ineetor a little while ago. "Eh," she said, no longer caring for her whole day._

_"Wait, what?"_

_"Eh."_

_"Oh, ok," Phineas said, dejectedly._

_When they walked home that night under the evil full moon, Phineas felt sad, thinking that he had disappointed Isabella. He hung his head, thinking to himself, "I didn't try hard enough! There has to be another evil way I can make Isabella happy!"_

_"Tomorrow I'll do better!"_

Alright, evil viewers, that just about wraps up Chapter Two! So what will happen next chapter? What evil contraption will Phineas come up with to make Isabella feel special? ...I'm not going to tell you! You'll just have to be patient and wait for the next chapter for these questions to be answered!

Now it's time to respond to your evil reviews!

To LuticolousMantis: What? Not enough evil? I'm beside myself with rage! Like, literally, if there were two of me one would be standing next to the other in anger. This story is bursting with evil! I want to see your credentials, because there's NO WAY you know evil better than me!  
...Oh, you thought I DID have enough evil? This is awkward... I guess I should be thanking you instead!

To celebi4ever: A story about me and Perry the Platypus? I mean, there are loads of stories I could write about my battles with my nemesis, but, well... a lot of them are pretty embarrassing. I'll need to think about that one.

To Axis22: Wha- 'I don't know the meaning of'- that's outrageous! Ok, I didn't literally cause you all to hang off an actual cliff (that was what the Cliffhanger-Inator would have done) but I had cliffhangers! I even looked up what 'cliffhanger' means on the internet, and I'm right!  
As for the Perry thing, since at places I use 'evil' as a verb and not a noun, changing 'evil' to 'Perry' would cause a lot of the sentences to stop making sense. Or so Dr. Bloodpudding said after I asked him. Actually, he was a little rude about it, like I was the idiot!

To Platyman: Oh, my character is a Gary Stu? I don't know what that means, but it sounds cool! 'Gary Stu'. I like that name! If I had a son, I might even have called him Gary (but it'd be 'Gary Doofenshmirtz' not 'Gary Stu' because you know, he has to take my last name). Anyway, I'm glad you think I'm better than some other writers! I admit that this is, er, kinda my first story. Creativity wasn't exactly encouraged back in Gimmelshtump...

**bilaterus: Yes, you're right. Phineas and Ferb share those qualities, and I and blythe certainly know that's the case! We of course don't believe in that idea either because as you've mentioned, it's utter fiction, and goes entirely against the true nature of the brothers' relationship.**

**Now, as I'm sure you could tell, Doof's fic itself is supposed to parody some of the more poorly written stories, and hence deliberately has a simple writing style and several features which generally detract from a fic, for comic effect. However since that misconception with the boys isn't particularly funny, we rewrote it so it needn't get to your grill any more. Thanks for the comment and compliments! :D**

To Rainbow Phinny, Ryan Stoppable, 14AmyChan, phinbella-luvr22, MassiveSinger, AmityTheDerpy, , Noldea: I'm glad you like my story! Remember, at the next election, vote Heinz Doofenshmirtz for Supreme Ruler of the Tri-State Area!

**bilaterus: We're glad you liked the first chapter. We hope you enjoyed this chapter too, and we've got plenty of ideas for the future ones. Watch this space ;)  
**

**BlytheHasFreckles: Thanks for all the encouragement, guys! It's really been tremendous! We hope to update shortly!**

Until next time, evil readers. Stay evil!


	3. Sauerkraut

**bilaterus: Well, the days certainly seem to have gotten away from us, haven't they?**

**Blythehasfreckles: Yes, yes they have. *raises hand* guilty. Sorry, guys. The lateness of this update is all my fault! We hope you like it anyway!**

Evil readers, let me tell you why sauerkraut shouldn't exist.

Actually, before I talk about fermented cabbage, I'll let you in on my unpleasant little experience that involved eating it. You see, I went back to that little diner across the street and had that garden pizza I so aspired to eat and it was - as I expected - a slice of heaven. (And as one would've guessed, the garden salad pizza turned out to be just as much salad as it was pizza! Who knew?) Then I was going across the street to return to my building when I saw a sample stand that wasn't there before. It was giving out small portions of authentic German foods to people on the street.

Now, since Gimmelshtump is relatively close to Germany, I figured, "oh, they'll probably have some really nice bratwurst samples or garlic potato pancakes with applesauce or something. It'll be the perfect way to top off the terrific meal I just had!" I mean, it had two things I find simply delightful - samples that are free, and German food. When you see a sample stand in the supermarket, you can't NOT take a sample. It's free food! It's a bite-sized snack - free of charge! You'd have to be inhuman not to partake, really.

But as hard as it is to believe, I was wrong about the German cuisine. I know, I can hardly believe it myself! The little German lady at the sample stand insisted that I tried her recipe for sauerkraut, so I did, assuming it would taste better than it smelled. Plus, I didn't wanna be rude. I mean, she was so excited about it! I may be evil, but I'm not rude... Anyway, it not only tasted foul, but it completely ruined the pleasant taste of garden salad pizza! Believe me when I say this, evil readers: never eat sauerkraut from strange German ladies on street corners. That's a bad idea if I've ever heard one!

In fact, don't ever eat sauerkraut ever. It's pickled cabbage; a lacto-fermented vegetable. You aren't missing out on much. It's an evil, taste-ruining food. And not the good kind of evil - the bad kind of evil. The uncool kind of evil.

Anyway, I'm guessing you all are interested in reading my update now. I decided to make this one a little different from the other two! I'm "mixin' it up," as the kids say! But don't you worry - it'll be just as evil and despicable as the two before it!

_Candace was Phineas and Ferb's older sister, but unlike them she was terrible at being evil! In fact, she was jealous of how evil her brothers were. Every day, she either tried to sabotage her brothers' evil inventions or she tried to do something evil in order to outdo her brothers, and she would then show what she had done to their mom, Blinda. Candace was always trying to win her mother's love which was inextricably linked to evil, but her brothers were experts from the start, and Blinda much preferred the younger brothers and spent all her time on them._

You know, I really empathise with this 'Candace' character! I too know the deep and emotionally scarring pain that arises when your own mother loves your younger brother and rejects you. Well, perhaps it'll make a good backstory for when she grows up and hatches true evil schemes of her own!

_Today, Candace tried to think of something evil to do. "I know! I'll make something truly evil, like I saw on TV that time!" she said to herself out loud, even though nobody else was there._

_After most of the afternoon, she had succeeded in making the evil thing she wanted to make. Later on in the day, she took what she had made to her mom._

"But Doof," I hear you ask. "You've not told us what Candace has made!" Well evil readers, I've done that deliberately! It adds to the suspense, doesn't it? You just have to know what it is!

Ok evil viewers, keep reading, the answer is coming soon!

_"What is it Candace? I'm very busy right now thinking about how extremely proud the boys make me," Blinda said, annoyed by Candace's interruptions._

_"Look mom! I made something truly evil!" she said excitedly._

Keep reading...

_Blinda looked at the thing Candace had made, which was in a dish she was holding in her hands._

The suspense is building...

_"You made..."_

It's reaching its climax...!

_"... A cake?"_

Ahah! I bet you weren't expecting that, evil readers! Up to then the suspense was pretty good, right? Eh? Ehhhh?

_"Yeah mom, I've made an evil cake. Like on that TV show, "Grilling, Stewing and Evil-Doing?" The cake was round and pink, and had taken Candace most of the afternoon to make. She had hoped that her mom would congratulate her and declare that she was proud of her, but unfortunately all her mom did was look a bit disappointed._

_"What makes you think it's evil, exactly, Candace?" Blinda asked, frowning._

_Candace had tried to disguise the cake so it didn't look very evil, but she had made the cake so that it was really evil on the inside._

_"Look, it's got sugar! Loads of it. I made it extra sweet!" Candace said excitedly. "If someone eats too much they'll get a toothache. Eventually all their teeth will rot and fall out!" She had thought of this all on her own back when she was making the cake. At the time, it had seemed really evil to her!_

_"Oh Candace," Blinda sighed._

"What are you doing?" Vanessa asked from behind me. "And why are you typing what I'm saying?"

"Vanessa!" I exclaim.

* * *

Eheh, sorry about that, evil viewers. Vanessa crept up behind me! One minute I was absorbed in my evil writing, and the next minute the laptop power cord was pulled out! I must have pulled it out in my haste, to stop Vanessa from seeing what was on the screen!

"I- I was, er, doing some evil... online grocery shopping?"

I had to come up with that pretty fast. I don't want my baby girl to think that her father writes fan fiction for some childish TV show. I'll never be able to look her in the eye again. I may be evil but I still have my dignity!

Anyway, it turns out that she couldn't sleep, and had come up to get herself a glass of warm milk.

"I'll make it for you, sis!" Norm said, cheerfully. I forget how loud he is sometimes. Even though it's so late at night, he still talks as if he's trying to be heard over a room full of crying babies. Ok, I don't know what that sounds like, but it's pretty loud I can tell you that!

Anyway, Vanessa had shrugged. "Thanks Norm. And dad, I don't know why you keep the fridge all the way up here. You spend way too much of your time in this place."

Come to think of it, I don't actually remember how I managed to move my refrigerator up to the penthouse...or why. Looking at it, you wouldn't think it belonged to an evil scientist. It looks like a regular household refrigerator; it's got pictures of Vanessa and a little dry-erase board for writing little reminders and little alphabet magnets from when Vanessa was learning how to spell... Oh, and it makes this really strange and terrifying sound when it kicks on! It sounds like this:

HEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeNNNnnnnn. (If you could hear me, I would do a better impression.)

It comes out of nowhere! Now imagine hearing that sound when you're all alone evilly inventing on limited sleep! It scares the pants off me!

Eh...I don't remember what I was saying originally...

Sorry about that evil readers. I don't know why I even wrote all this! You can remove it from your minds, as if you never saw it. I, er, can't exactly find the backspace on this keyboard... Evil Note: never again buy a computer from a garage sale. Hm, that reminds me of one time when...

Look how far off-topic I am! Evil Note: never write at 3:30 in the morning. Evil never rests, but I still need to sleep! I don't want a repeat of the last time I stayed up late...

Argh! Dummkopf! Ok, let me get back to the story!

Hm, this is frustrating. When I pulled out the power plug, it must have not saved my progress... And I've forgotten what I had just written. Great. Let me start again from that last save point.

_"... What makes you think it's evil exactly Candace?" Blinda asked, frowning._

_"See mom, it looks like an ordinary doonkleberry cake, but really, on the inside... it's chocolate!"_

_"Oh Candace," said Blinda, sighing._

_"No no, it's really evil! When someone bites into it, they think they're going to get a doonkleberry flavour but really they get the taste of chocolate instead! Then they might think they've gone crazy, and they would have to be taken to the hospital for a checkup, which throws off their plans for the day! It's deceptive AND mildly inconvenient! C'mon mom, that's evil, right?"_

_Her mom sighed. "You need to watch more of the all-powerful Emperor Doofenshmirtz's evil telethons," Blinda instructed. "Maybe you could actually learn a thing or two about supreme evil. After all, our Supreme Overlord is extremely talented at evil. If he can't teach you, there is no hope! He's got all power in the Tri-State Area, after all. Pay more attention to his evil ways."_

_"B-b-b-b-but..." Candace sighed sadly, "yes, mother."_

_"Now, back to what I was doing," her mom said, sighing and turning away from her daughter. "Oh those boys of mine make me so proud!"_

_Candace trudged away dejectedly as her mom continued to heap praise on her brothers. She hung her head, thinking to herself, "Those boys always take all the credit! I try so hard to be evil and those boys always have to ruin it and do something even better! I know I can be evil if mom would only notice it like she notices the boys!"_

_Suddenly, she hatched an evil plan._

_"Maybe I need to find a way to make them appear LESS evil! Yeah! Then Mom will be disappointed in them and I'll be the one she's proud of! It's perfect!"_

_With her new evil plan, Candace immediately began brainstorming her next plan of action; to sabotage! She looked out the window and watched as her brothers worked on a strange new evil invention, all the while thinking:_

_"Hmmm... They are so busted."_

Hey, wait a second, I just realised! It DID save my previous work! Ugh, dummkopf! Now it doesn't make sense at all!

"Norm! Make me a hot drink!" I say.

"What kind, sir?" he asked, again in that booming voice of his. It's making my headache worse! I need to build him an inside voice, one that won't cause the neighbours to complain about why I'm 'playing loud music late at night' whenever he speaks.

"Anything!" I shout irritably. "I just need something to keep me awake while I finish my evil writing!"

"Coming right up, sir!"

He gives me the drink and I take a sip as I search through some other fan fiction, looking for ideas for the next part of my story.

Hey, this tastes pretty good- wait a minute, this is warm milk! This is the opposite of what I want! I wanted something that'll wake me up, not something that'll make me sleep!

Actually I don't think warm milk really makes you more tired, though. Is that even possible? I mean, as I'm drinking it now it's quite relaxing. Vanessa seems to have it a lot at night. Babies do too. I wonder if all the milk is the reason they sleep a lot? Or maybe it's the reason they cry a lot? Who came up with the theory that warm milk makes a person sleepy anyway?

I'm doing it again, I'm just *yawn* writing what I'm thinking or what's happening in real life, instead of *yawn* writing the story. I'm even writing my yawning down...

I think I might *yawn* fall asleep at any moment. Wow, this warm milk really *yawn* works after a while...

This keyboard looks so comfortable...

Zzzxdnvbhfdxcjn jncvkfvbdjf fdvjnbsggfbbbbbb bbb bbb

Wait! What? What happened?!

Oh, I fell asleep and nearly forgot to reply to you evil reviewers! *Yawn* I'm still very tired, so I'll have to reply and then go back to bed... it's already early in the morning, but if I don't sleep a little longer I'll have no chance at my evil scheme tomorrow!

Ok, here goes...

To Kat: You doubt my ability to take over the Tri-State Area? That's so hurtful! Ok, it's true that Perry the Platypus always thwarts my evil plans, but one day my evil scheme will succeed!

To BlueLightningXD: I think I mentioned in the previous chapter that I was - at one point - a cow, but I assure you I'm not anymore. Come to think of it, I've been many animals... I was even a platypus once, truth be told! I gotta say- it wasn't so bad! You would think that the webbed feet thing would've hindered several of my usual motor skills, but it didn't, really! Being a cow, though - THAT was unfortunate. I mean, what can you do with hooves?  
Yes, my posterior still hurts from yesterday's Inator thwarting. He literally kicked me directly in the behind, so I guess that statement's somewhat true. What does **** mean? Is that internet speak? I'll take that as a compliment! Thank you! **** you, too!  
Wait, what's a flamer?

**bilaterus: Your review really made us laugh :D**

**Blythe: I'm still laughing XD**

**bilaterus: we're glad you like it really!**

To Ayahsad: I'm glad you liked it. You made a typo, though. I think you meant penc- OHH, it's a pun on the word 'pun' itself! I get it now! I'm so slow because of how tired I am... Anyway, Perhaps one day after I take over the Tri-State Area you'll work under me as a loyal subject!

To celebi4ever: I have resentment and hate for a lot of things, even some that people may consider irrational and weird. Like 'instruments that start with the letter b' (Well, actually there's a whole backstory that goes with that one). But I certainly don't hate donuts! I mean, what's not to like?  
Unfortunately I can't take evil interns right now. The last time I had an evil underling, he hijacked my evil plan and nearly destroyed the Tri-State Area!

To phinbella-luvr22:I- I can be hip! Really! I'm into all the gunk rock and visigoth and heavyweight metal stuff!

To Platyman: Well, if I had a nickel every time I heard of a transatlantic ray randomly turning some device into dessert, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that I've heard it happen twice, right? In fact, if I count the time it happened to me, it'd be three nickels! But I don't want to talk about that... At least I'd have fifteen cents, which could buy me-...absolutely nothing.  
Anyway, you seem evil enough. When I become Ruler of the Tri-State Area, I'll be sure to recognise your support. Wiith an evil gift basket or something.

**bilaterus: …sexual connotations and Perryshmirtz weren't exactly what we had in mind :o**

**And you don't need to apologise quite so much about your deep understanding of the characters although we would've understood, even with a shorter rant, because I hope we've proved we have a good understanding of the characters too ;)**

**BlytheHasFreckles: We get excited with your reviews because they're constructive and very encouraging! Thanks for the consideration on our behalf! :)**

To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: You want to hug me? I- I think i'm tearing up a little! I, er, don't get many offers of hugs, these days...  
"I'll hug you dad!"  
Ugh, Norm is still awake and reading what I'm writing. "Go to bed, Norm!" I say.  
But wait, how would you give me a hug through the internet? You need physical contact for that, and right now the only connection between us is through the computer screens. It doesn't make any sense!  
Eh, I need to think about this some more... when it's not so late.

To LuticolousMantis: Woah woah woah woah. Woah.  
Woah.  
Kicking kittens? Man, that truly is evil! How can you kick such innocent animals with their cute eyes and fluffiness... Well, they're not all innocent, I can tell you that from experience. But still!  
Ok, now for- wait, WHAT? Jerry and Shoofdenmirtz, a- a couple? It doesn't- I don't even- that isn't-  
Even if they were a- I- what would the children be like?

Kale Bishop: Hm, I remember a Mr. 'The Regurgitator'. I was his evil intern! He was a terrible boss, though. So unappreciative!

To MassiveSinger, AmityTheDerpy: Ahah! I see you've become my evil fans! Soon I'll have enough to take over the Tri-State Area! And Perry the Platypus is none the wiser!

Axis22: Haha! No word can replace 'evil'! Seriously, I tried to come up with words that rhyme with it, but I couldn't think of anything!  
I'm glad you find my Inators impressive, and that I gave you an idea, and I picked up your mood... What is this feeling? Argh! Heart... Melting... Evilness... Diminishing...

No no, I must *yawn* stay evil!

And so must all of you! Until next time, evil readers. *Yawns*

Eh, I'm... still *yawn* writing in my yawns-

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


	4. Mississississippi

**bilaterus: The following are NOT reasons this chapter's late: **

**-We were helping stop an alien invasion of planet Earth.  
****-We were helping the government of Earth invade planet Zi'nak.  
****-There was a stampede of wildlife flattening civilization.  
****-A satellite crashed to earth near our respective houses.**

**Blythe: The following ARE reasons this chapter's late.**

**-Exams, studying, blah blah blah...  
****-Graduation preparation  
****- Jumping off of a 50ft cliff into a lake and getting injured badly from landing the wrong way (and having a giant ominous bruise take up nearly one's entire right leg)  
****-Watching terrible movies while eating jars upon jars of Nutella  
****-Talking to pretty American girls when (a person who won't be named) SHOULD be sleeping/studying/math...ing.  
****- Talking to sexy English boys when (a person who won't be named) SHOULD be sleeping/studying/updating her other story.  
****- Feeding cats and other members of the animal kingdom.  
****-Making tea at inappropriate times...or just flat out unnecessary times.  
****-etc/other clever excuses.**

**We hope you like the update, despite its terrible lateness!**

Evil readers, the English language and I have an odd relationship. Now, I don't know if it has something to do with typing on an electronic device that has me so frazzled about remembering how to spell certain words, but I've made a discovery this morning about yet another thing that bothers me about typing:

Spellcheck. The reason for frustration to the average evil scientist is and always will be those sinister little red squiggle lines underneath a word that you THOUGHT you spelled as correctly as possible. Look! Even the word "squiggle" has a red squiggly line underneath it! It's like having someone constantly on your case about your English comprehension! At least when you're handwriting something, there's no automatic spellcheck to let you know that you spelled your own name wrong.

For example, no, spellcheck, I did NOT spell my own name incorrectly!

Actually, come to think of it, the words "Heinz" and "Doofenshmirtz" really do look like heinously misspelled words in english.

Anyway, that doesn't mean that handwriting isn't a complete headache also! I hate it when I write out the word "health" and forget to insert the "L." Then it's just "Heath." And why would I want to spell "Heath?" I don't even know a Heath!

Then there's my never-ending frustration with the word "exercise." That word alone heightens my blood pressure. I always forget the "e" before the "r" and end up spelling it "excerize." Then there's the word "remember." Argh, that word! It's such a headache to both type AND handwrite! You end up putting way too many "em's" and it turn out looking like: remememember. It's like a word caterpillar!

And don't get me started on 'Missississippi'. Wait...

That brings to mind another modern day frustration I have with the English language: what's the deal with English people and adding unnecessary "u's" in words that absolutely don't need a "u?" If you don't know what I mean, look at these words: color, favorite, flavor. Now, let's look at the way English people write it: coloUr, favoUrite, flavoUr. See? I capitalize the "u's" to prove my point. Why do they do that? It would save them a fraction of a second if they just left out the unnecessary vowels! Also, if those people didn't mess around with putting "s's" in the place of where "z's" rightfully belong, this world wouldn't half as confusing to live in.

Anyway, I guess I should quit with my babbling and get on with the story. I mean clearly you came to read what happens next. After all, I love to leave my audience on a cliffhanger. At a cliffhanger. In a cliffhanger. What is the proper term? Is it "in?" "On?" "At?" I don't know which one to use, but I hope you all were cliff-hanged.

Wait, no, no! Ick, that sounds positively morbid! That sounds like a federal crime. "Cliff-hanging." Can you imagine?

If that was a crime, how much time in prison do you think-...hold on, was there even a cliffhanger in my last chapter? I don't remember. This is awkward...

Okay, I'm going to start over:

I hope you like my new update. There. Plain and simple.

_Phineas and Ferb were outside leaning against the tree in the backyard, as they usually were. It was definitely a usual day, so usual that no matter what unusual thing you could think of, today was not the day that thing was happening, because if it was happening, then it would have been an unusual day. Which it wasn't. It was just a usual day._

_Phineas was still trying to think up of something evil and romantic to do for Isabella, but he was stuck on which idea to choose._

"_I'm stuck on which idea to choose!" he said to Ferb. "Should we should go with the giant evil robot of terror or the massive bouquet of flowers? The flowers would be really nice but not evil, and a giant evil robot doesn't exactly scream romance..."_

_They had the blueprints for both projects on the grass next to them. Ferb laid one partially on top of the other._

"_You're right, we can combine the ideas together! Ferb you're a genius!" Phineas cried. "I know what we're going to do today!"_

_Then he looked around and said his other catchphrase. "Hey, where's Jerry?"_

_Of course, Phineas and Ferb still didn't know that their pet was actually a secret agent. Jerry, also known as Agent J, sneaked away from the brothers and went towards the trash cans. One of them hid the entrance to his secret base. He jumped in... and got covered in trash. He'd jumped into the wrong one! Jerry climbed out of the trash can and shook off an old banana peel that was stuck to him. The smell was so bad there were stink lines coming off him!_

Ahahahah! I'm so evil to my characters. For some reason I just feel inclined to make life difficult for this Jerry character, I don't know why! It's like I have some subconscious, deep-rooted hate towards him that I can't explain. Weird, right?

Oh well, it's quite funny. Hey evil readers, check this out!

_He tried to jump into another trash can but that one was wrong too. He got covered in even more trash!_

I just now thought of that. Just now. See evil readers? That's how genius happens!

Ok, let me move on with the story.

_Finally Jerry realised that the secret entrance was behind the trash cans, not in them, and he headed down the chute. He appeared in his secret base. On the screen, Major Duogram appeared, in his usual uniform. _

"_Good morning Agent J- oh, did you fall into the trash cans on your way to the evil lair?" _

_Major Duogram burst out laughing. Jerry was not amused. Then the Major cleared his throat and continued._

"_Er yes well, Shoofdenmirtz is up to something. Go out there and put a stop to it like you usually do."_

_Jerry saluted, as he usually did, and rushed off. After he left, Major Duogram burst out laughing again and called his intern. _

"_Hey Dax! Guess what just happened!"_

'Dax' is... a really cool name! The only intern I know is named 'Carl', which, eh, is quite an ordinary name now that I think about it.

On to the other evil plot line!

_Phineas and Ferb had just finished their giant romantic-flower-picking robot. It was a giant robot designed to pick flowers that looked romantic from other people's private gardens. That way, the robot was both evil AND romantic. They activated the robot and it rushed off to the neighboring gardens to gather the amorous perennials it had been instructed to collect._

_Actually, 'giant romantic flower-picking robot' was a little bit wordy, so they named it Steve. _

_They named a lot of things Steve._

_Anyway, Steve the giant flower-picking robot was going from garden to garden. It picked roses and petunias and lots of cute flowers. _

"_Argh! Get out of my begonias!" one of the garden owners shouted. Steve obliged by crashing through the fence to get to the next garden._

Wow, that giant robot seems like it could cause quite a public disturbance. Norm!

"Yes, dad?" Norm says.

"Make a note reminding me to build a giant robot that's capable of wreaking havoc."

That's all that giant robot Norm is good for, you know. Making notes. He'll even forget to do it too! Just you watch, evil readers.

_In the garden of a little house out in the suburbs, Roger Doofenshmirtz was toiling away hard at work, sweat on his brow. At last he stood up. _

"_Ah, after years and years of difficulty, misery and pain, I've finally managed to grow the perfect flowers!" he declared triumphantly. "Now I can sit back and enjoy them..."_

_Just then, Steve crashed into the garden. In a single scoop, he picked up all of the flowers and, looking like a satisfied giant flower-picking robot, he rushed back to his creators' backyard to present his collection, leaving Roger alone in the destroyed wreckage of the garden._

"_Nooooooooooooooooo!"_

Haha! I LOVE writing this fan fiction stuff!

Ok, that's enough of that... for now.

_Meanwhile, at the other side of the Tri-State Area, Jerry crashed through the window of the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company building. _

"_Jerry the Platypus!" Shoofdenmirtz exclaimed in his usual way, turning around to face his intruder. Shoofdenmirtz had a remote control in his hand with a big red button and he pushed it, causing a platypus-sized garbage can to trap Jerry. _

"_You're trapped, Jerry the- ugh, what's that smell? Oh, it's coming from YOU, Jerry the Platypus. I can actually see the stink lines!"_

_Jerry the Platypus glared at Shoofdenmirtz._

"_Oh, don't look at me like that, Jerry the Platypus. I'm_ _just the one creating the traps. I mean, seriously - how was I supposed to know you'd come barging in with garbage all over you? ...Though I suppose the coincidence is uncanny, huh? When I built this garbage can trap, I - I mean, I didn't think you'd actually come in with garbage all over - ….eh, nevermind. That's not important."_

_Shoofdenmirtz wasted no time, stepping back to unveil the certain to his new ingenious creation._

"_Now that you were so kind as to drop by, I think you'll appreciate today's Ineetor! BEHOLD! The Sneeze-Ineetor!"_

_With that, the evil scientist stripped the cloak off of the enormous device, revealing a giant mechanical nose-shaped Ineetor and took a moment to cackle evilly._

"_So I'll bet you're wondering why I built this Ineetor. You're probably thinking, 'Shoof, how did you come up with such an incredibly formidable machine? It's positively brilliant and yet terrifying at the same time!' Well, Jerry the Platypus, it all started out this morning."_

And then there was a backstory flashback. But you readers can't see it, of course. That wouldn't make any sense.

"_...and so that's how I developed an allergy to pollen. But now EVERYBODY will feel the misfortune of an allergy attack! As all animals know, you can barely do anything while you're sneezing! You can't drive a car, you can't slice vegetables, you can't provoke real estate agents, you can't do anything that requires motor skills! This machine will unleash several whirlwinds of pollen, causing everyone to sneeze uncontrollably! Then while everyone else is in a fit of sneezes, I'll be the only person not sneezing, and therefore I'll be the only one who is capable of taking over the Tri-State Area!"_

_Jerry the Platypus squirmed about in his trap, failing to free himself as Dr. Shoofdenmirtz picked up a jar of something from a nearby table._

_"Now all I need to do is load the ammo..." _

_Jerry twisted his little platypus head in several directions, trying to determine what was in the jar._

_"Oh, what's this? This is pollen, Jerry the Platypus." He then tipped the jar and poured some of its contents onto the end of a metal rod, which held an empty container, "I have to load my Ineetor before I put it into action, see?"_

_He then shut the jar and loaded the pollen up one of the nostrils of the mechanical nose, then pressed a button on the machine to turn it on._

"_Now there's nothing you can do, Jerry the Platypus! The entire Tri-State population will now fall victim to pesky sneezing fits and I will become supreme ruler!"_

_All of a sudden, the machine started to quake and made unexpected movements. A minute or so passed and the machine seemed to shake more and more violently._

"_What...? What's wrong with this thing? It's supposed to unleash a stream of unavoidable allergy-induced terror upon the city!"_

_Completely without warning, the machine began to malfunction and shot a stream of pollen off the balcony before it began to go up in smoke. After a moment of watching helplessly, Jerry the Platypus noticed that the nose-shaped Ineetor seemed to be sneezing itself to pieces! The animal agent took a deep breath in, sucking in his gut and slipping out of the garbage can trap while Shoofdenmirtz was preoccupied with the short-circuiting of his Ineetor._

"_No! My ingenious Ineetor!" yelled Dr. Shoofdenmirtz in desperation as he watched the self destruction of yet another one of his inventions. Just before the machine completely exploded, the remains of the pollen that he loaded into the machine burst from one of the nostrils and clouded the air causing Shoofdenmirtz to sneeze uncontrollably!_

"_Achoo! Curse you! Achoo! Jerry! Achoo! The Platypus! Achoo! Achoo!" he yelled through sneezes, waving his fist in the air as Jerry the Platypus made his escape off the balcony. _

I can't help but feel strangely sympathetic towards this evil scientist... I suppose that's the power of fan fiction writing, eh evil readers? I already feel such a deep connection with the characters!

_Meanwhile, back in suburban Danville, the two young inventors waited anxiously in the back yard for Steve to return with the lovely, yet evilly gathered bouquet of flowers._

"_Gee, Ferb! I hope Steve comes back soon before Isabella shows up!"_

_The quieter brother nodded._

"_Do you think she'll like it? Girls like flowers, don't they?" _

_Just then, a certain friendly neighbor opened the gate to the back yard, smiling in her usual girlish way._

"_Hi Phineas! Whatcha doooin'?"_

_A light blush spread over the boy's face, "Nothing!" Phineas said quickly. He didn't want Isabella to know he was trying to do something evil and romantic for her! "I mean! Oh, hi, Isabella! Uh, we were just... talking about the greatness of our evil overlord Doofenshmirtz!" He scratched his ear nervously, as he usually did when he was keeping a secret, "And, uh, just... waiting...for..."_

"_A special delivery," said Ferb, finishing his brother's sentence._

This Phineas character really wouldn't be very good at something that required a poker face, right? That's such an obvious 'tell', a clear sign when he's bluffing! But then Phineas wouldn't actually play a gambling card game like that, as he's just a kid, so, well, I suppose it doesn't really matter much... Anyway!

_Isabella was a little bit confused that Phineas and Ferb hadn't really done anything, and she was also a little bit sad because she thought Phineas still didn't notice her yet. She sat down with them and they all started talking about their Supreme Emperor Heinz Doofenshmirtz and how wonderful their lives were now that he was ruling the Tri-State Area. _

Wait a second, I just realised! I've not appeared this entire chapter! I had better fix that...

_Just then, said overlord came marching through their backyard again! Standing tall with his usual mighty superiority, he gave a handsome smile._

"_What are you youngsters up to this fine evening?" he said charmingly._

"_Oh hello, Overlord Doofensmirtz! We were just talking about how mankind has benefited exponentially from your overruling reign and how fortunate we've been since you took away our need to ever be an individualistic society!" _

_The handsome overlord grinned, "Excellent. Have you done anything evil today?"_

"_Oh yes! We do something evil every day, just as you will us to!" said Phineas excitedly._

"_Good, good. Stay evil, children!" and then the shining totalitarian marched off into the sunset._

"_Bye, Emperor Doofenshmirtz!" _

_As Isabella waved goodbye to the handsome emperor, Steve had returned in the backyard with a bouquet of beautiful and sweet-smelling flowers. He bent down and handed it to Phineas. _

"_Wow, Phineas! Those flowers are beautiful!" gasped Isabella, "Who are they for?"_

"_Actually... they're for you!" He presented them to her and she took them, delight on her face. "W-what do you think?"_

_She inhaled deeply, taking in as much of the scent as possible. Phineas was excited - perhaps this time it would work...!_

_Just then, Isabella was hit by that stray ray that was fired by the Ineetor earlier. _

"_Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" She started sneezing uncontrollably._

"_I-Isabella!" _

_She was sneezing so much she had to leave their backyard. Phineas looked dejectedly at the flowers she had left behind. _

"_She must have been allergic to them," he sighed. He felt as if he'd let down Isabella again! Ferb put his hand on Phineas's shoulder to reassure him, and they went back inside the house. But Phineas was, as usual, determined not to give up._

"_I'll come up with an evil way to make Isabella happy no matter what!"_

Aww, will the poor kid ever get his girl?

Well, I know the answer, but I'm not going to tell you, evil readers! You'll have to wait and see. Evil!

Now, I'll reply to your reviews. I'm so happy you all like it! It means my plan to take over the Tri-State Area is succeeding!

To tlegg13: Wow, those are some far out ideas, man! So hip and...and groovy, as the kids say. I think i'll steal those one day. Evil!

To LuticolousMantis: That poem... is so beautiful! All of those rhymes with evil... I think I'm tearing up a little. You are one diabolical guy, what with all that kitten-kicking and evil-rhyming...and the lyrical thinga-ma-whatsits and the...uh...here, I'll write a poem back to you. Of course, it won't be that long or nearly as good, but here goes:

I really enjoyed  
the poem you wrote me  
it was a better response  
than I had been hoping...(for)

My poem response  
will not be as good  
because I can't write poetry  
though I wish I could

Well, that's not completely true  
I did back in my prime  
but it didn't get me anywhere  
and it was a waste of my time

It wasn't so bad, really  
and it got me through college  
but I wasn't so good at it:  
I lacked lyrical knowledge.

That's not saying that I don't like it  
and will never write it again  
It's just that poems aren't evil  
and a phase I went through back then.

But I do enjoy a haiku  
or a limerick or a sonnet  
I read them more than write them  
Though I'm no expert on it.

...eh...the topic, I mean. I'm not expert on the topic.

The threat of a roach army  
scared me out of my snuggies.  
Look like I'll need a lot of insecticide  
to kill all those buggies.

However, I can not tell you  
the rest of this story  
but if you stick around  
you'll get to read some more...-y

Alright, that's all I got. Sheesh, maybe poems are evil after all! They sure are a hassle to write!

To Guest Person: Don't worry, I'm confident in this scheme. Thanks! Vote for me for ruler of the Tri-State Area!

To Cute as a button22: My story's turned you into a public nuisance? Wow, that's evil in a way I never expected! I'm- I'm so proud!

To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: Actually... Norm wrote the 'z's when I fell asleep. Not funny, Norm!

"Sorry sir!"

Anyway, as you can see my brother Roger was in this story. Ooh, how I despise him! As for songs, I might write an evil song in a future chapter. You'll just have to keep reading!

To Axis22: Yes well there's 'rude' in the right, evil way and there's 'rude' in the wrong way... it's quite complicated, you know. To learn more, look out for the opening of the Doofenshmirtz Institute of Evilology, coming soon to a Tri-State Area near you!

To celebi4ever: Well as my evil professor Dr. Gevaarlijk taught me, 'evil doesn't alvays have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in ze little things you do every day.' I never did manage to impress her, in the end...

To MassiveSinger: Oh, can I? *Defeats Perry the Platypus* Let's see if it works!

To Shadouge-and-Silvaze4ever: I took it to an echo repair guy (do you know how hard it is to find one of those in the Tri-State Area?) and he said it was just an 'episode gag'. Like it was on some sort of TV show or something! But it's better now! My echoes are as diabolical as ever... ever ... ever... BADGER!... ever...  
Oh great. What's wrong with it now?  
Also, Vanessa's not dating anyone right now... right?

To BlueLightningXD: Yes, Blinda is very familiar... she's like my mother! So unapproving, loving the other sons instead... I practically based her character on real life.

To Gotta Bust 'Em: Ok, er... good luck with whatever you are trying to do... I think?

To ayahsad167: Ah, you're one of my many fans now I see! Excellent...

To Showtunes4life: I, eheh, don't know how to burn a disk of my evil 'tunez', the new-fangled technology confuses me a little... but as I mentioned I may well write an evil song in a chapter to come!  
Ah Broadway, that brings back memories. Mostly painful ones...  
Actually, 'bilaterus' is just the account I use to upload my evil story. It's kind of a random name, I know. I don't think it means anything... but it sounds cool, right? 'bil-at-er-us' really rolls off the tongue, it's great!

To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: What? You're me? But I'M me! And I'm sure that incident with the Double-Inator was just an 'episode gag' as well (I had that checked too after checking my echo...)

Anyway, of course Perry the Platypus always defeats me! He's MY nemesis! That just proves that you're the duplicate, Fakey McFakerson!

But wait... what if I'm NOT the real Heinz Doofenshmirtz? Does... does that mean my whole life is a lie? If only Balloony were here... I- I think I need a hug...

"I'll hug you sir!" Norm shouts.

"Stop reading what I'm writing, Norm!" I say, reprimanding him.

Hmmm...wait a second. I think I'll put you to the test. If you're REALLY me, you'll pass completely unscathed and without any incorrect answers. If you answer something wrong, I'm calling bluff!

Okay, are you ready? Here goes...

Do you want some rice pudding?

To Platyman: Hm, I have sweet oranges, bitter oranges, blood oranges and clementines... but no satsumas. Go figure.  
Now that I think about it, I believe that there was an emotionally scarring backstory to do with sauerkraut that I had forgotten about - you know, because I have so many - which may be the reason why I can never eat sauerkraut again. Oh well. An evil scientist can never have too many things to hate!

**bilaterus: It's a shame you've not written anything. It's a great feeling seeing a story you've written through to completion. Perhaps you could put aside half an hour every day to write? At least make an account so we can PM you! :P**

**BlytheHasFreckles: we've noticed that you've been generous with your reviews in the past and they always provide both of us with productive insight. It's really a shame you don't have an account or any stories! **

**bilaterus: As for Candace, I suppose that aspect was touched upon in SBTY, where they convince her that she has indeed done remarkable things and she seemed to make her peace with them a little. But clearly there is more to be said.**

Now, I... I think I'll lie down for a while. Stay evil everybody...


	5. Books

**bilaterus: Hey guys! We wrote a great chapter for you, filled with action, drama, humour, you name it... but then it disappeared in a puff of smoke, so this chapter will have to do instead xD **

**Blythe: Again, we apologize for the immense lateness. It's been ages since we've updated this. *points to self* (my bad. Again.)  
****Anyway, we hope you like the first half of this next set of events! Hopefully we'll get a little better about updating! **

**bilaterus: There's only the first half of things in this chapter? My goodness, Doof's evil is rubbing off on us xD enjoy the chapter, guys.**

You know I'll never understand that saying, 'never judge a book by its cover'. I mean, surely that's the purpose of the cover of a book! What, are they suggesting that books shouldn't have covers at all, and should just, I don't know, be wrapped in blank paper with the book's name written in crayon at the top? Why would people go to all the time and effort to produce a book cover and then turn around and say we shouldn't judge them by the covers? It makes no sense, really.

Speaking of books, I was at the used book store earlier today looking for a copy of 'Inside an Evil Mind: The Dr. Wexler Story', a biography about my idol, the incredibly evil Dr. Wexler. I don't know why I wanted a copy, I just had a sort of strange desire to read it again after so long - you know, like after you've not eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for ages and then suddenly you wake up one day and say "hey, I could really go for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich". It was like that.

Anyway, they did have a copy (although the guy at the store didn't have to be so rude about it when I asked him - Evil Note: invent a Book Store Guy Away-Inator as an evil scheme later) but as I was about to leave, some other books caught my eye. Their covers were all colourful and interesting, and I was drawn to them, like a moth to a really colourful and interesting flame. Next thing I knew, I had paid for the whole collection of books and was back in my apartment! I had some time before I had to start my evil scheme for the day, so I decided to pick up one of the books and start reading it.

And it was horrible! The main character was so unrealistic, the writing style was really forced and unnatural, and the plot made zero sense whatsoever. Like, really, even Perry the Platypus could write better stories! That is if he could write anything with those little platypus hands of his...

Where was I? Oh yes, these stories. They were awful! I tried to read the first one, but I couldn't even finish it because it was so terribly bad. I thought perhaps the other story would be more interesting but that one was even worse! They made no sense whatsoever, it was like a child had written them!

Honestly, I bet this 'Dr. Seuss' guy isn't even a real doctor!

It's like, ok, I can understand having a cat as a main character, but what's up with the hat? It's all huge and striped, and he's wearing it for no reason whatsoever! This Seuss guy gives absolutely no explanation as to why this mysterious feline protagonist is wearing this accessory on his head. Did he find it somewhere? Was it store-bought? Was it a family heirloom passed down from his Latin-American grandfather? We'll never know, because the lazy author didn't bother to tell us!

And the other story was about 'green eggs and ham' or something. That not only doesn't make sense, but it's also a health hazard! You do not want to eat anything that's turned green, I can tell you that from experience. One of the characters was insisting that the other eat these possibly mouldy, infected or radioactive pieces of food, and you know what? It wasn't even the morning! Who's ever heard of having eggs and ham for lunch or dinner? It's unbelievable, really.

Actually I quite liked the movie. There was a Cupcake-Inator involved. Hm, that gives me an idea for an evil scheme...

Sorry evil readers, but some things just really push my buttons! Some people shouldn't be allowed to write at all! In fact, they should be banned from writing entirely. Whenever they try to write something, a machine should automatically buzz in their ear or something, preventing them from doing anything. It's really hard to concentrate when there's an annoying buzzing going on, it leads to splitting headaches you know!

Ok ok, even though it is kinda nice to talk to someone else that'll listen to me that's not Perry the Platypus, I'll continue with the chapter...

_Candace was not happy. She was the opposite of happy, in fact - unhappy, that's what she was. No, more than that, she was frustrated, filled with rage that the boys constantly outshone her in evil acts. For example, the entire pack of wild monkeys Phineas and Ferb unleashed across the city a few days ago had completely overshadowed Candace's attempt to unleash a similar evil terror with a pack of kittens. And why? Kittens could be just as troublesome and evil as anything else! _

_And then there was that giant flower-picking robot they built just the other day that Candace had tried to show her Mom. Flowers, after all, are totally not evil, right? But no, her Mom was positively over the moon. She started to ramble about how naturally evil the boys were and how proud they made her as a mother and how she wished her oldest child was capable of more than being a below-average lawn gnome..._

_Anyway. Even the fact that the robot was apparently called 'Steve' didn't faze her mother. 'Steve' wasn't evil at all, as a name! And they called a lot of things Steve! She simply didn't understand it at all. Was everyone just against her?_

You know, it's quite fun to write the thoughts of Candace. She's so bad at evil!

Well actually, kittens can be pretty evil (I learned THAT the hard way), but I don't think I could really wreak havoc on the Tri-State Area with them...

Oh! That reminds me about another thing about Candace that I forgot to write about last time!

_Candace sighed. It seemed like the whole world was against her. "The whole world is against me," she complained._

_Suddenly she heard her cell phone ringtone, 'Doof Snuck his way Right Into our Hearts'. She answered the call. It was Jeremy, her boyfriend!_

_"Hey Candace," Jeremy said over the phone. "I just wanted you to know that I love you unconditionally! I love you more than there are bad movies about romance in the world! I love you almost as much as I admire our wonderful Emperor Doofenshmirtz!"_

_"Aw Jeremy! That's so sweet," Candace said happily. "I love you too. Catch you tomorrow?"_

_"It's a date. Stay evil!"_

You know, I really hate teenage couples in love. Look at them, with their unconditional love, blissful happiness and peaceful lives... it just fills me with rage! I especially hate movies and stories about teen love. Those really push my buttons!

And yet... I find myself wanting the best for these two (I think the 'pairing' is called 'Jeremace' or something, I don't know, it's some weird combination of both of their names). I'm not sure why but it makes me happier when Candace has someone in her life that loves her... Isn't that weird, evil readers?

Oh well. Back to the story.

_Candace put her phone down and sighed happily, at peace for that one brief moment in her life. Then she heard her brothers outside._

_"This may be our best invention yet! Isabella's gonna love it!"_

_It was Phineas! Candace rushed outside and saw the invention._

_Candace felt angry, yes, that much was true. Then she grinned widely - she knew what to do. Her Mom was inside. She rushed in to get her/ to witness the boys and their 'thing' together._

Wait, I've just realised something. I've slipped into a rhyming style, like that Dr. Seuss! Argh, he haunts me even when I'm not reading his books!

I admit it was quite fun to write. Reminds me of my college days. Maybe I should continue like that for a while?

_"Wow," her Mom cried. "That invention looks evil!"_

...

Nevermind.

Well, I know now that there are words that rhyme with evil, but it's actually pretty hard to get it to work. Ick, now I remember why I gave this rhyming stuff up in college.

Well, also because of a baking soda volcano. Long story.

Anyway, I think I had better explain what Candace's brothers had been up to.

_Earlier, in the back yard..._

"_I just don't get it, Ferb," said Phineas, very disappointed in the turnout of his last attempt, "I was sure that our last invention would work! Girls are supposed to love flowers! Who would've thought that Isabella would turn out to be allergic to them?"_

_The other inventor shrugged his shoulders._

"_Hmm. Well, what else do girls like that can also be somewhat evil?"_

_The question lingered between the two brothers for a moment. Somewhere, the sound of a car passing on the street was the only sound that was heard. Phineas looked up toward the sky, taking in the temperate summer air._

Wow, poetic! I surprise myself sometimes.

_Suddenly, he got an idea, "Ferb! I know what else we're gonna do for Isabella!"_

_And the two boys went to work, laying a large blueprint page on the grass and sketching out their next evil invention. There were circles and swirls and zigzags up and down the page. Loopty-loops were made from one corner to the other and decorated with diagonal lines from the center of the page to the folds. X's were over here, O's were over there, holes were made in the paper and then finished off when the two brothers crumpled the parchment into a little ball, kicked it around the yard, and then doused it with water from the garden hose and hung out to dry. After it had dried, they unfolded it and smoothed out the wrinkles. Laying there before them was the perfect blueprint to one of their most ingenious inventions yet!_

"_This might be our most ingenious invention yet! Isabella's gonna love it!" said Phineas, breathlessly. Later than scheduled, he searched for his semi-aquatic pet, "Hey, where's Jerry?"_

_The disguised secret agent in question was already inside, climbing onto the couch and slipping under one of the cushions into a tube that led to his secret underground base. As soon as he landed on his platypus-sized chair, he noticed that Major Duogram had already been waiting to issue him his new mission._

"_Good Morning, Agent J. Looks like Shoofdenmirtz is up to another one of his sinister plots to take over the Tri-State Area. This time, the reports I've been given give me no ideas as to what he might be up to. That's more alarming than a plot that's easy to explain."_

_Jerry took notes in his adorable platypus-sized secret agent notepad._

"_Good luck, Agent J."_

_The agent saluted his superior, then headed off to his platypus mobile...or whatever it's called._

Things are going a little too well for Jerry the Platypus for my liking. I'll just fix that...

_Jerry the Platypus tried to start the engine of the platypus mobile, but it didn't work. He realised that there was no gas in the tank. he had to trudge all the way to the local gas station to get some, which was a considerable inconvenience for him._

Haha. Evil!

_Eventually, he arrived at the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company all bothered from having to go out all that way to get gas in the hot summer heat. He busted through the door, and was immediately trapped as two halves of a big heavy bowling ball encased him._

_"Ah, Jerry the Platypus, I'm positively bowled over to see you..."_

Since this is the fifth chapter, I need to step it up. That's why, to engage you evil readers, I ended this chapter with both a pun AND cliff-hangers! What is Shoofdenmirtz planning? Will Candace succeed in earning her mother's love? Why am I asking all these rhetorical questions?

Well actually I'm asking these to engage you evil readers even more. So I guess that last one wasn't exactly rhetorical...

Oh poo, I've ruined my great chapter ending! Eh, it doesn't matter now. I'll just respond to your evil reviews and then, I don't know, watch TV or something. Keep 'em coming though, evil readers!

To 14Amychan, Cute as a button22, Ryan Stoppable, Mapiteu, germanyswarrior, evergreen, Yires: Thanks, I'm glad you are all enjoying the evil story. Remember, vote for me for ruler of the Tri-State Area! Oh, I just know you will! And I could've sworn I've said that already...

To Laptopwriter22: I see that you too recognise my evil genius! After all, they don't give doctorates like mine to just anybody, you know.

To ayahsad167: It seems my story's evilness is leaking into you readers as well... just as I planned! And I will definitely keep an eye out for those authors, I have a lot of evil to teach you know!

Though their names sound familiar...

To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: Wow. That Dr. Schnitzel sounds weird, even to me! And I come from a background of... well let's just say a Drusselsteinian professor tried to study the Doofenshmirtz's family history and he fled to the mountains, pants on head, after only three months... Anyway, I'll keep an eye out.

I see you're definitely one of my evil fans! It's nice to be meeting so many like-minded people who share my intense hatred for all of the irrational things in life. It's things like this that make me glad I picked up writing evil fan fiction!

Sadly, evil genius cannot be rushed. Between inventing new Inators, battling Perry the Platypus, handling my daughter and ex-wife, my arts and crafts classes, and cleaning up after Norm, I simply have very little time for my evil writing! But I do my best!

To MGD: Other kids? Yes, I do recall reading about other kids that show up from time to time... but I'm still starting out, so I don't want to have too many characters at once. You see, it's difficult juggling three simultaneous plotlines already!

Eh, I don't quite understand the whole 'cannibalism' comment... Last I checked I was not made of sauces or condiments and I've also not seen many human-flavoured ketchups either! I don't get it!

To Megaranger66: I think I explained briefly where I got the characters from in the first chapter, I think? Wow, it's a little hard to believe this is already my fifth! Anyway, as you can see, I've left this chapter on another evil cliffhanger so you'll have to wait and see whether Candace will attempt to sabotage the invention!

To the, er, Chalmers family: Thank you for the reviews... I think... I'm glad a couple of you seem to like my fan fic.

I'll just... er... move on...

To celebi4ever: Hm, that's an interesting evil idea! The only problem is that I'll have to tell Perry the Platypus where I got the idea for the Inator and I can't very well say 'somebody on the internet suggested it'... unless I steal the credit! Evil!

To Kale Bishop: But... but I DID reply to you!

To Emmi194: Oh, I'm glad you're liking my little evil story! Given how greatly successful this story is, and given how wonderful and therapeutic writing has turned out, I may well write more stories in the future!

**bilaterus: We've not planned the ending to this, so the end of this fic won't really be for a while. However, we like to keep moving forward, so we probably wouldn't so another variant.**

**That doesn't mean others can't though! It's immense fun writing Doof writing Phinbella. Maybe one of you guys can write him writing another type of fic, or even write another character writing a fic! There's plenty of potential for creativity here and it's a great exercise in writing characters canonically :D**

To Abigail: Oh yes, definitely, Norm is incredibly loud and annoying. But, er, it'd be too much effort to get rid of him, so that's why I put up with him. Yeah.

To Purpl3Pickl3: Firstly I am definitely _Dr_. Doofenshmirtz! I mean c'mon, I have the doctorate and everything!

Secondly, if I want to spend the alimony on cartoonish traps and diabolical Inators, that's my business!

It occurs to me that the 'letter' from Charlene is a little suspicious... she never compliments me on anything these days! Are you sure she said those things?

To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: It was a test! Almond brittle?

**Blythe: Alright ladies and gents! We'll catch y'all next time! (Whenever that is...)**

**bilaterus: Hopefully it's soon!**

Stay evil!


	6. Norm

**bilaterus: Hey guys. This is just an A/N chapter letting you know that Blythe isn't around to help write this chapter. So it'll be a while before the next real update.**

…

…

…

**Don't look at me like that! I can't write it without her! It-It wouldn't be the same! She makes it come alive!**

…

…

…

**F-Fine! Here's your chapter! Just stop looking at me with those… those puppy dog eyes!**

**Wait a minute! I can't even see your eyes, this is the internet! You guys tricked me into writing this! What kind of evil, sick, twisted people do that?**

**Enjoy the chapter. You psychopaths.**

Hello! This is my father, Heinz Doofenshmirtz! I am an evil scientist, and I like coming up with evil schemes every day that inevitably get thwarted by my nemesis and best friend, Perry the Platypus! I also like to spend time with my daughter, Vanessa, who I love very much! I love her almost as much as I love my son, Norm!

Ok, I have a confession to make! This is not actually my father! It's me, Norm! I hope you'll forgive me for misleading you! Dr. D left his computer on and is not here right now, so I will be taking his place for a while! I hope he appreciates how helpful I am being!

I guess this is the part where I talk to the readers!

Let me tell you about my day! Today I made breakfast for Dr. D. I made eggs, just the way he likes them, with a nice piece of toast! He must have liked it because I later saw him standing at the garbage disposal, and his plate was completely empty! I'm so happy to do things for my dad!

After that, Dr. D told me to clean the whole bathroom. It took all day to do, but now the bathroom is sparkling!

That reminds me to add 'new toothbrush' to Dr. D's shopping list! I've been using his toothbrush to clean the bathroom for a couple of weeks now and it's all worn out!

I went to the park in the evening! It does make me sad when I see other kids playing with their fathers... but I am sure that one day Dr. D will play with me when he has a free day! Many days he tells me he is 'watching paint grow' or 'watching grass dry' and tells me to go by myself! Dr. D is a busy evil scientist, after all! He's always got something to do! Today he told me he was going to count the number of jelly babies he could eat without throwing up, so I went myself!

I like to play a nice game of catch with myself sometimes! Other times I like to stand like a tree and let squirrels climb up me! It makes me feel at one with my surroundings! Even the kids look at me before their mothers take them away quickly! They must be in awe of how in tune I am with nature! I did both of my regular activities today and I only broke down three times when the squirrel that powers my circuitry left to collect nuts! That's an all-time record!

Yes, today was a good day!

* * *

That lousy good for nothing-!

Seriously, I leave for one minute to get some garlic from the store and I come back to see him messing up my story! Sorry about all that, evil readers, you can put everything he said out of your head! Just take it out of your head and throw it in the trash or something. I don't advise doing any actual brain surgery though, unless you're qualified... just try not to think about it ever again. That should work.

Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming - er, story, I mean...

Anyway! Today was a really terrible day, all because of that complete embarrassment of a robot, Norm. Not only did he burn my toast and leave shells in the eggs as usual, he also took the entire day to clean the bathroom! Really, one of these days I'll replace that old hunk of junk. Although the last time I did that I was nearly turned into a smoothie... long story.

Anyway, later he asked to go to the park. What kind of giant robot even asks that, really?! Obviously I had some evil scientist relaxing to do after the thwarting of the day so I made some lame excuse not to go. It got rid of him for a while at least. It was quite peaceful, apart from a mishap with some jelly beans... long story.

Anyway, evil readers, I apologise again for Norm's incessant rambling about his _day_ and his _feelings, _which I am totally sure you did _not _want to read. I mean honestly, he goes on and on and on...

Anyway, on with the story! Where were we? Oh yes, Candace had managed to show her brothers' invention to her mother... who had promptly complimented its incredibly evil design. Oh, and also, Jerry the Platypus was trapped in a giant bowling ball by Shoofdenmirtz. Hm, giant bowling ball trap... I'll have to make a note of that.

Anyway, I can't decide which plot to go with. So I'll let you evil readers decide! Let me know which one you think I should start with.

* * *

Ok, so after several hours of waiting for responses I realised I hadn't actually uploaded anything for you to see. Yikes. I mean, this is just as embarrassing as my first day at school in hand-me-up girls' clothing (long story).

I'll just, I don't know, flip a coin to decide. Yes, this is great! Heads means the Candace part wins, Tails means the Jerry part loses.

I just now thought of this by the way. Just now! You're seeing genius in action here, evil readers!

I'm flipping it now! Here goes...

Heads! Guess I'm going with the Candace part!

_"Mom, did you say it looked evil?" Candace asked, shocked._

_"Yes, it's wonderfully evil! It fills me with joy to see my boys doing evil at a 10th grade level!" After affectionately ruffling her boys' hair - something she never did to her _eldest_ child - Blinda went back inside the house._

"_We need to go and get a few more parts," Phineas said to Ferb. The two boys then exited, leaving Candace alone in the backyard._

_Needless to say, this all made Candace very frustrated. After all, the whole 'Mom loving the boys' evil more' was even more frustrating than hearing someone repeatedly say 'irregardless'. She was close to just calling it a day and just spend the rest of the day doing what regular teenage girls normally do. _

What _do_ teenage girls normally do? Mope around listening to their 'junk metal' music (or whatever's hip these days)? Watch TV? Talk to their visigoth - sorry, _goth_ - friends on the phone for literally hours? Write fan fiction involving cartoons on a kid's show that they then proceed to pair up in all kinds of crazy or cliché romantic scenarios, all the while wishing they were part of that world or dating one of the characters?

Ok, the last one is a little out there, but I stand by it.

Anyway, I've mostly based those on my daughter, Vanessa. You know sometimes I worry about her. What if she stays a teenage girl for her whole life? How will she learn about all of the things there is to hate and despise about society if she never grows up and becomes part of it?

Sorry to bring all that up, evil readers. It's just…writing this story really makes me think sometimes, you know? It's deep, man.

_Candace was about to stomp back inside when something on the ground caught her eye. It was her brothers' toolbox! Her eyes lit up and she cackled maniacally as an idea dawned upon her. _

_"This is the perfect chance to tamper with their invention and make myself look better by comparison!"_

_Candace got to work immediately. She removed gears, springs, nuts and bolts, and replaced them with cogs, screws, pins and widgets. She whipped out wires, calibrated circuitry, prepped pipes and quelled the quantum engine._

_At last, she was done! Candace stepped back to admire her handiwork. The machine was now completely unrecognisable and, in Candace's opinion, looked about as evil as a block of gelatin. _

It's funny because even as I write this, I remember a time when I accidentally created an giant evil gelatin monster. Yeah, it's another long story... man, I've really got a lot of those! I should star in my own TV show, on Fridays of course, where my attempts to take over the Tri-State Area are in the episodes. Perry the Platypus would be in it too!

But, ehh... what kind of evil, sick, twisted person would watch a show like that?

_Meanwhile, at the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Headquarters, Jerry the Platypus was still trapped in the platypus-trap-sized bowling ball. _

"_You may be wondering what this Ineetor out here is," Shoofdenmirtz said sinisterly. "Wait, you can't actually see the Ineetor because you're in that bowling ball… wait, can you even hear me in there? Nod if you can hear me… Wait, I can't see you either… Let me just tell you my scheme! _

"_You know how sometimes you're trying to describe something you've seen to a friend or colleague and you end up totally not being able to find the words for it, so you substitute fake words like thingamabob and thingamajig? And then everyone involved gets all frustrated and annoyed? It's so difficult to communicate when that happens! Imagine if all of society was like that! And that is why I created…"_

_Shoofdenmirtz paused._

"_Well, ironically I don't know what to call it. But it's an Ineetor that shoots a ray causing people to have the trouble that I was talking about earlier, thereby crumbling civilisation, blah blah blah, I take over the Tri-State Area, you know how it goes… hey, what are you doing?"_

_Shoofdenmirtz frowned in annoyance as the bowling ball started to roll towards the Ineetor. His eyes then widened as it slowly dawned upon him what Jerry the Platypus was up to. _

"_Hey wait-!"_

_The bowling ball then bounced off the self-destruct button that had been jutting out of the Ineetor and sailed clear off the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company building. The Ineetor managed to fire out a single beam before it exploded dramatically as the bowling ball also dramatically split open and Jerry burst out dramatically in his little platypus-sized glider. _

You know, I had a platypus named Jerry once. It's a long story of course, but he was nothing like the skilled, suave, slick secret agent Jerry the Platypus that these two boys have as a pet.

However, my nemesis, Perry the Platypus, is quite similar to Jerry the Platypus. What a nice coincidence. Sometimes I wonder how common secret agent platypuses are. They seem to feature quite prominently in my life.

_Shoofdenmirtz rushed out to the balcony and waved his fist angrily. "Curse you Jerry the Platypus- wait, I've got it! I'll name it a Whatchamacallit-Ineetor! Well, I guess it's a little late now..."_

_Meanwhile, in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Candace eagerly dragged her Mom out into the backyard once again, ignoring her incessant protests. Phineas and Ferb had returned to the backyard in the meantime._

_"Mom, look at it now!" Candace insisted. _

_Everyone stared at the invention or a moment. Then, Ferb produced a small part that he was carrying in a bag and placed it on top of the invention. _

_Blinda seemed to be speechless. "It's... it's..."_

_Candace was almost unable to contain her excitement."Yes? Yes?"_

_"It's so beautifully evil!"_

_"What?!"_

_"It's even more evil-looking than before! Oh, come here, my sons!" Wiping a tear from her eye, Blinda enveloped her two sons in a hug. _

_"But Mom, I did this!" Candace exclaimed in frustration and anger. "I made it more evil!" _

_"Now Candace, taking credit for your brothers' work is not evil," her Mom scolded. "It's just mean. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get you a prescription for 24 hours of continuous video lessons from Emperor Doofenshmirtz, so you can finally learn some evil. If he can't teach you, nobody can, because he is so wonderful and magnificent."_

_Because Candace was a rebellious teenager, she considered this to be a punishment rather than the generous gift that it was. She didn't realise that there were hundreds of kids even in the Tri-State Area who didn't have enough Doof every day, and that she was here getting a whole 24 hours at once._

_"It's not fair!" she huffed, as she stormed back inside the house with her Mom, leaving Phineas and Ferb in the backyard wondering how their invention had been changed._

Poor Candace.I do feel for her, but my hands are tied at the moment. Maybe in a future chapter I can give her a break...

_Shortly after Candace left, Isabella walked through the backyard gate, chipper and adorable as ever. "Hey guys!" _

_"Hey Isabella! Check out what we made for you!" _

_"Oh thanks! Er, what is it?" _

_That was when fate decided to step in and the beam fired from the Ineetor struck Phineas right on his abnormally shaped nose._

_"Well, it's a whatchamacallit! As you can see, the thingamajig hits the thingamawhatsit and then the doomadiggit travels through the doohickeymagadget... and I think the rest is self-explanatory, right?"_

_Isabella looked completely confused, as if she'd just seen a second copy of herself stand next to her. _

Yup, you guessed it. That 'second copy' thing happened to me once too. It's actually quite a short story... but I'm not going to tell it. Evil!

_Phineas was really nervous himself and so he didn't notice how confused Isabella was. "Anyway, it's for you Isabella!"_

_"Er, thanks. "I'll just take this home then," she said dejectedly as she took the invention out of the backyard. _

_Phineas had been imagining Isabella's reaction to his evil gift for the whole day, but he didn't expect this. He thought she'd love it and realise he was confessing his love for her! "C'mon Ferb, let's go inside and have dinner," he said sadly. _

_Isabella too had been imagining what it would be like when Phineas gave her a gift, but she hasn't expected this either! "Well, I guess we'll always have this thingamajig..."_

Aw, that's so sad!

N-not that I'm becoming overly sentimental or anything, evil readers! I am still evil right down to my core! It's just that, well, Phineas gave Isabella such a lovely gift and...

You know, I just realised that I've never described the gift he's given her at all! Wow, it just totally slipped my mind! Ok, I'll just...

Wait, I just realised something else... NORM! You used my toothbrush for WHAT?

* * *

Well... this toothbrush thing will be a heck of a backstory some day. It explains the weird taste for the past two nights, though...

Where was I? Oh yes, review responses!

To 14AmyChan, thedoraemons7, , EDD17SP, The Dark Lord Duroth, guest [1]: As always, your support is appreciated! Remember to vote for Doof as Emperor so I can enslave you and your loved ones!

To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: It's so lovely to see all the evil positively bursting out of you! It's mostly the, er, crazy psychotic version of evil… but hey! You're brimming with evil potential!  
Just keep that Schnitzel person away from me!

To ayahsad167: Wow, those puns were pretty bad, even by my standards! You should see a doctor about them. Or an English professor.

To Laptopwriter22: Hey hey, not just anybody with 15 bucks can get one! I had to take an online course to earn it, and that course wasn't easy, you know!

To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: Me too! Do you collect coins?

To celebi4ever: I know right? I keep trying to tell Vanessa that it's entirely ok for her not to have a boyfriend but she just rolls her eyes and gives me a humph of dissatisfaction. You know, the whole 'whatever' thing.

To Jet Engine: Pft, I'm nothing like Shoofdenmirtz! His name begins with a Sh, while mine starts with a D. Totally different sounds. There are a bunch of other reasons too but this one is more than enough!

To Ryan Stoppable: D-Don't you like my little monologue and comments throughout the story?

To the zapdos: I see you're not a particularly 'evil' reader... However, I am quite flattered by your offer to star on my little Daily Dirt show (although I'm pretty confident that JB will turn up, I did make an offer he can't refuse after all)! Even if you are a giant bird from what I imagine is some hip, cool game that the hip, cool kids play these days. 'Pokemon', was it? I think I'll get that as a gift for my daughter, Vanessa! She'll love it!  
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying my little story and that you'll maybe learn the beauty of evil as you keep- wait, what do you mean 'work of satire'?!

PFTones3482: Well I hope the update was worth the wait, and it's always nice to see I'm inspiring a new generation of evil writers! It's totally worth it, you know, evil writing. It's very fulfilling. You know you want to write an evil story. Do it. Doooo it!

Guest [2]: What? Are you insinuating that I've actually _stolen _content from another fan fic? I am positive I haven't done that, certainly not deliberately! I mean, I just sorta sit down in the evenings and write a chapter when I get a little time. I don't trawl the internet looking for content to steal!  
**bilaterus: Any similarities to other fanfics is purely coincidental! I'll need to have a look for the part you're talking about.**

To Platyman: Wow, that seems like a really great idea! I never noticed the incredibly close similarities that you pointed out! And I'm usually really great at spotting those!  
And yes! I'm glad someone understands why I need the JB man himself on my show. I need to increase my popularity with the youth of today if I'm going to smoothly take over the Tri-State Area.  
You know, I'm thinking of getting an evil intern. Like Major Monobrow has, only evil... Interested?  
**bilaterus: Oh Platyman, you could never be the Irving to our P&F. Your reviews are always incredibly insightful and it means a lot to us to know that there's somebody who's not afraid to criticise out there who agrees that we've achieved what we set out to do: write a fanfic of Doof writing a Phinbella story that is funny, true to his character, and also a satirical take on the stereotypical 'bad' authors and stories.  
You've got reviewing down to an art and you do indeed make us happy when you appear when least expected and leave a review. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us.**

And one more thing before you go, evil readers. As you may have noticed, I have barely made an appearance in the past two chapters of my story! The next update will be a special extended chapter in which I, the glorious Emperor Doofenshmirtz, will appear extensively!

Or it might not be. Evil!

See you readers next time!

**Blythe: *bursts in* Hey everybody! What did I miss?!**

**...h-...hello?**


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